Midnight

I wish I could say I’ve had a busy week full of auditions and work and socializing, but it’d be more accurate to call it half-full.

See? Optimism.

To be very honest I haven’t been able to write or blog or whatever because I have been so depressed I can barely get out of bed, and physically ill in a couple different ways. But there were a few highlights:

This gorgeous snowstorm we got on Tuesday…

Intrepid boyfriend venturing out into this nearly-spring snowy wonderland.
Intrepid boyfriend venturing out into this nearly-spring snowy wonderland.

Midweek karaoke at Holiday Club. I go every week and in the slow season it’s usually just a core group of five or so of us, but for some reason there was magic in the air and we turned the back room into a virtual Columbia College theatre department reunion and sang the shit out of some eighties songs. Most fun I’ve had in a while. 🙂

I shamelessly lifted this from my boyfriend's facebook, but we have kind of a thing about the photobooth at Holiday Club.
I shamelessly lifted this from my boyfriend’s facebook, but we have kind of a thing about the photobooth at Holiday Club.


and on the same night
I had one of those nights where I felt pretty and vampy and so, naturally, instagrammed the everloving balls out of it.

Been feeling ubergross lately so I'm not sorry about sharing this bathroom selfie where I thought I looked good. See! Positivity!
Been feeling ubergross lately so I’m not sorry about sharing this bathroom selfie where I thought I looked good. See! Positivity!

In unrelated news, I came across this interview via a link on The Frisky with Justine Frischmann of Elastica (remember them?) from The Observer in 2002. This quote chilled me:

“Yeah, it almost seems like your twenties is about having everything you ever thought was true proved wrong. And I think that’s why so many people kill themselves at 27. You just can’t take any more of finding out how wrong you were! And then, by the time you reach your early thirties, you find out that it doesn’t really matter, because it all keeps going on and what you think about it is not really that important. It’s just a matter of trying to make some sense of the small things. Stop trying to control everything and let it happen. Also, your ambitions change, become less to do with trophies, I think.”

It’s…exactly how I feel. Not to get too existential on you, but this is not how I pictured my 20s. It’s heartening to hear a star talk about how dark it can get just being adrift in this decade, especially when you are trying, for the love of God, to be an artist. Of any kind. If my thirties are going to be kinder, I will welcome them with open arms. Justine goes on to say this:

“That said, I don’t feel that anyone could have survived what we went through. I went into it with a really good head on my shoulders, very stable, quite smart, quite aware of the pitfalls because I’d seen them around me… there was no way of keeping people mentally healthy. It was impossible.”

And of course, she is talking about fame specifically, but I have felt myself slipping into this realization about my own pursuits lately. I’m sure there are people my age who are struggling performers who feel totally sane and engaged in the world around them–in fact, I do know several of them, my love included–but I am not one of them. I know so many who are also pretty crazy. I think maybe you might have to be, to do what we’re doing, even if I in particular am not doing it well right now.

Just some musings.

I promise I’ll have more interesting content for you this weekend. I’m trying to see some shows and go out a little. Also: I may have a vaguely theatrical announcement to make?

PS Thank you so much for continuing to check in on my life in a way that is more personal than social media. I know you’re doing it, because I check my stats, and I don’t know why you are but I’m stoked to have an audience of any kind. Cheers. xx

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